Finding Trust Where I Didn’t Think It Existed

I’ve relapsed again. I feel like crap — it’s isolating. Who can I talk to about a sensitive topic like sex? A drug addict can reach out to a friend, but I’m mostly on my own unless there’s someone very understanding. Most people don’t want to hear about it. But how do I get support? I’ve always had to tackle it mostly alone and go through serious withdrawals pretty much on my own.

I told my ladyboy friend I didn’t want to orgasm — well, I orgasmed with her. And at the same time, I’ve been using a lot of dating apps. This really put me back to square one.

She invited me out with her and her family. They look like they’re having a blast. I’m full of shame and guilt — the last person in the world you’d expect to support me is a ladyboy, but here she is, giving me space and agreeing to stay over with me and not have sex while I go through a reset.

I don’t feel judged or pressured to perform. She’s never asked for money, and her family invites me to kin beer Lao with them. I look forward to getting better. Maybe I won’t drink beer, but I’ll share a meal with them.

While I can’t find emotional connection and I’m starved for it in Southeast Asia, here’s something totally unexpected for me — somebody I don’t feel judged by, someone I feel safe with and trust. Mind blown. Tackling an addiction like this is much easier in Australia; here, it’s much more complex. But there may just be a different kind of support network I didn’t have back home.

So it’s harder to give up here, but I’m navigating it differently — and it sure as hell is interesting.