Stuck, Seeking and Finding Connection in Siem Reap

I’ve landed in Cambodia. It’s my third day here. I’ve been through food poisoning, a lip infection, isolation, and not much support. I’m travelling alone. It got to a point where the pain was so great that I relapsed. I got addicted to the apps again, and I never healed properly from the relapse.

Here in Cambodia, being very new and isolated, I just feel completely stuck.I met a girl from Tinder. She came over and it turns out she’s a sex worker. I didn’t want drama, so I massaged her and paid her. I felt this was difficult to deal with—it goes against my own moral code—but I learned quickly from it.Siem Reap is the gayest city in Southeast Asia.

My next-door neighbour is gay, the guy I sat next to at breakfast is gay and was waving at me from the pool, and me… I love women and trans people. That’s the only reason I’m on Grindr, and I know that almost everyone around me is gay.This morning I went for a coffee. I was waiting for a friend and I got a ping on Grindr—the guy said he’s so close.

I quickly blocked him, and while drinking my coffee I could literally hear them having sex in the room behind the café. This place freaks me out a bit.I feel so stuck with the addiction, like I can’t get out. But I just met another Cambodian ladyboy who was kind, sweet, chill, and wanted no money. She seemed shy and nervous, so I laid her down and gave her a very slow massage.

I took my time with her. We connected, and she asked me why I like ladyboys. I don’t know, I can’t answer. Some can be dangerous, of course, but some have great energy.After our little fun, she drove me around Siem Reap by the river on her motorbike, chatted with me, and took me to a night market where I got peanut and strawberry ice cream.

Again, I’m feeling stuck, and I don’t know why, but I find so much connection here with another trans person. I feel warm, I feel good with her, and we will see each other again. I feel more in common with them than with some of the Asian women here.

I love to write from insight. If you enjoy this, subscribing — free or paid — helps me stay on this path. I’m grateful for anyone who joins along. Sometimes it gets lonely, and sometimes I need help.